The Duct Tape Project

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. And knowing that you hurt others must have been very hard. I’m glad that you were able to turn your life into a positive one through your faith. This is a very controversial issue, and I commend you for sharing your story. 

I’m sorry to hear that. I admire you for being able to forgive her though. That’s really difficult to do. I don’t think that the majority of Survivors are able to do that <3

That is SO true. Unfortunately, that’s the fault of rape culture. If you’re assaulted as an adult male, a lot of the time it’s flipped around and the guy is thought of as a stud if it was a girl. Like the women can’t keep their hands off of him. Or they are thought of as weak or gay if it was a guy. And of course there is everything in between. 

You are absolutely right. With more education and awareness, hopefully we can whittle away at this ignorance.

Goodnight, Anonymous! =)

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Unfortunately, guilt and self-blame is something that nearly all victims of sexual assault go through. It takes a lot of work and encouragement to change that thinking. There are a lot of reasons for feeling this way. Survivors will think that if they hadn’t been so “stupid” or “careless”, then it wouldn’t have happened. No. If someone wants to sexually assault someone, then that’s what they’re going to try to do. And sometimes Survivors are just in such shock that someone could possibly do something so horrendous, that they can’t place the blame where it belongs. It feels like it’s impossible for someone to do that. 

It’s good that you keep telling her that it’s not her fault, but as you obviously know, it doesn’t seem to help. Therapy is a great way to help with these things if she’s willing to do it. You can’t make anyone go though. And without knowing some specifics, it’s hard for me to give specific advice. However, if you could go into the reasons with her as to WHY it isn’t her fault, then it could help.

• No, your outfit didn’t cause the assault. Most attackers don’t even remember what their victim was wearing.”
• No, your drinking did not cause the assault. Most everyone drinks, and the warning on the label is not risk of being sexually assaulted. There are plenty of people who get completely wasted a lot and have never been assaulted. It’s on the assailant, not the victim.”
• Sexual assault is about power. An assailant doesn’t attack because of a sexual attraction. Anyone can be assaulted of any age, gender, size, race, etc. They “get off” on dominating someone, not by “having sex with” them or any sort of sexual contact. Because that isn’t sex. And that sexual contact is not for stimulation. It’s for sick, mental satisfaction
• For males, once they get started, it doesn’t become an uncontrollable sexual urge. It CAN be controlled. It’s not like he is a vampire and is drawn to your blood. No. If someone wants to stop, then it can most certainly be stopped. If someone tries to convince you otherwise at the time, it’s assault. It’s not your fault. It’s theirs.
• If it started consensually, or you were dating, or had had sexual contact before, it’s okay to not want to again. You don’t owe anyone anything. And once you’ve done something before, doesn’t mean that you are obligated to do it again. As soon as you made it known that you were not okay with it, and the person doesn’t stop, it’s assault.
• It can be the wrong place at the wrong time too. You should feel safe to go wherever you want or do whatever you want. If someone assaults you, chances are that they were hoping to assault SOMEONE at that time, and you just happened to be there. Their choice is not your fault.

Sometimes I try to give Survivors a new perspective. If a Survivor is my friend, I may depict a similar scenario to his/her assault, but put myself in there. And then I would ask, would you blame me? Would you be mad at me? Would you shun me? No. Then why would you do that to yourself? If it wasn’t my fault, then it certainly couldn’t have been yours either.

I know I just threw a lot at you, but I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any more questions because I would be happy to help! Your girlfriend is lucky to have someone like you that cares about her so much.